Maybe a new me?
Well, maybe not a new me, but a new frame of mind, and a new attitude.
I've not blogged in a couple of months and as I last wrote, life was swirling about in crazy ups and downs that were frankly making me a little airsick. I think I'm in a better place now--I certainly feel better.
I went ahead a imported my previous blog posts from Running Without Fear because as I read through them, there was some truth there. And to delete them was to say they hadn't happened, and I didn't feel very good about that.
So, I think an update is in order.
In my weight loss journey, I was living from daily weigh in to daily weigh in, from calorie to calorie. I was trying to eat the absolute least amount possible to not send my body into starvation mode, but wring out every last tenth of a pound on the scale. Predictably, I often didn't eat (or drink) enough and my run recovery was compromised on a pretty regular basis. But no matter, if I just pushed harder, worked harder I could push through and keep posting these mercurial gains time and distance.
So not healthy.
I didn't really run in December. And my eating went straight
In 6 weeks.
Throw in equal parts clinical depression, household stress, and that whole, "What am I going to be when I grow up?" question that unexpectedly arose from a colossal failure...and well...things weren't pretty.
I wish I knew what pulled me out of my funk. I'd bottle it and save it for later.
But, things are different now.
First, I've gotten back into running regularly now, and life is always just a little bit better when I'm putting in some miles each week. I went ahead and set a mileage goal for the year. Following advice from an excellent e-friend and mentor, Megan, I set a fairly conservative goal. I'm hoping I blow it out of the water completely, but even if I barely eke it out, I like the feeling of commitment and purpose. (I'm not going to lie, I also like watching the little updates in RunKeeper as I log my miles. #rungeek) Having a long term goal like that really fits in with my whole shift in thinking.
I've changed my calorie goals to consistently lose about 2 lbs a week, and making sure I eat enough to cover my exercise expenditures as well. I no longer weigh myself daily--now I weigh in weekly. This means I can eat and drink properly to fuel and recover from my runs. This puts my weight loss goal almost a year away, but frankly I'm good with that.
Race-wise, I don't see how I can possibly be ready for the RnR Dallas Half in March that I've signed myself up for last year. But I'm going to keep at my training steadily and true--resting when I need to, and pushing myself safely. If I'm ready, I'll run (or more likely run/walk/run). If not, I really don't care.
Today I ran 4 miles for Meg Menzies and #megsmiles. They were a slow 4 miles. But I realized, "That's ok." Meg was training for Boston, and I'll likely never be fast enough to qualify, but that's ok. I didn't know Meg, but she was just like so many of us runners. Likely she represented the best of most of us. So today, my miles counted. They counted for her, her family, and for every runner out there that feels the tremendously tragic loss of her death.
And in that vein, I have a new blog, with a new title and web address.
Because that's who I am. I am big. And I am slow.
But I am a runner.
And for the first time in a very long time, I'm content to be who I am.
It's a new day.